The Thought Vox

Leaving a place can feel a lot like losing a relationship. I came to Toronto in my mid twenties: some 16+ years ago. I love this city for many of her qualities. I will always believe this is one of the greatest cities on earth, in spite of those who perpetrate violence and crime. They are not Toronto… they are misguided souls who happen to reside here.

Just as it’s possible to love more than one person, it’s possible to love more than one place. Prince Edward Island will always be my first home: the first land I loved. Toronto is my second home and leaving is bitter sweet.

So why go? I’ve been asked lots of questions over the past few weeks. Fairly so; after all I decided to move 28 minutes after my plane touched down in Vancouver. It was my first visit there and I was struck by an epiphany: “I’m going to live here.” From that moment I couldn’t stop thinking about how to make it happen.

British Columbia is beautiful. Being a costal gal, I was drawn in by her ocean. The mountains clinched the deal for me. Two of the best things nature offers, sitting there, next to each other. I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love with the place as the days passed. When I left, the missing was intense and it has remained that way.

Sometimes we have to take risks that would normally scare the shit out of us. I’m a rational person. I’ve always looked at all sides of the equation before rushing in to large decisions. Not this time. My gut spoke and I’ve ignored every suggestion that this might be a bad idea. It may sound crazy to pack up a life and sell enough stuff to pay to move the stuff I want… but that really was the only plan I had. So far, it’s working smashingly.

Life’s opportunities rarely wait till we can afford them. Sometimes we just have to trust that everything will work out. We have to welcome success and shut out the “what-ifs.” Money is a convenience ~ it should never dictate our lives. For anyone who is thinking: “Easy for you to say,” well, I had $24 to my name when I arrived back in Toronto and announced I was moving to B.C. As for assets: long gone. It doesn’t take long to blow through savings and RRSP’s when one is ill and unemployed for a couple of years. However, I have always trusted that I would be okay and things would work out. So far, there has always been enough to get by. There has always been a roof. I’m extremely lucky and blessed. A little faith goes a long way

I was fortunate to have my family visit last week. We toured the city and visited many of the places I love. It was the first time here for my nephews and they had the time of their lives. From the Metro Zoo, to a Blue Jay’s game, to the ROM, Castle Loma, a harbor cruise, the Distillery District, the Eaton Centre, the CN Tower, and on and on… they loved it. I felt blessed (and exhausted) to be able to be a tour guide to MY TOWN one last time. It was the perfect swan song to end one chapter of my life and to bid a proper farewell to a city I love.

Some people are easily offended. Others seem to look for reasons to be offended.

Generally the first written piece of each year is dedicated to what was, what I’m grateful for, and what I look forward too. This year I’m going to start off a little differently. I’m going to be completely honest about a topic, regardless of who may be offended.

Let me clarify: Every word I’ve ever posted has been honest. Nothing I’ve written is a lie. Yet, sometimes I hold back. I was having drinks and conversation with two writer friends in early fall. We got to discussing “holding back in writing,” one friend said she never censors her writing. I was surprised. The other said she also doesn’t censor herself. So why do I? Well there are topics that ignite people. As it stands I have gotten some pretty disturbing e-mails. I’ve made conscious decisions not to write about some things: choose your battles, sort of thing.

NEW YEAR – 2010: It’s resolution time. I suppose I could resolve to exercise regularly, give up caffeine, or stop swearing. Lets face it: those who know me KNOW I will never give up the “F” word. SO: I resolve to stop censoring my writing.

First TABOO topic up for discussion is: Why is Pamela Chronically Single?

Part of the reason I haven’t shared much of my “romantic” life with the masses is because it is really nobody’s business. I’m with Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau: “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.” Aside from that, the expectations I have in a partner are highly offencive to many demographics. Dating really is a HOT TOPIC, and I don’t mean sexually explicit.

I’m going to give it to you 100% honestly: I will not settle in order to avoid being alone. I’ve decided to post a list of requirements for my would-be future mate (a list, in itself, could be construed as offensive). Frankly, I think everybody should have a list and stick to it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a romantic at heart – but that has cost me heartache and lots of cash over the years. Though I am, first, attracted by my heart, my head is quick to cut in and size up the situation.

Before I get to the RULES, I have to be clear that this is NOT an indictment of anyone’s habits or beliefs. I’m merely stating that these habits and beliefs will not gel with mine, in terms of a romantic entanglement. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends (well some of them mean we cant be friends). It does mean that: WE WILL NEVER HOLD HANDS.

I agree that there are exceptions to every rule, however – these are the NO EXCEPTIONS.

Pamela Detlor’s Rules For Potential Mates (in no particular order, all being equally important).

1) You do NOT smoke (which includes the phrase, “I only smoke when I drink).
2) You don’t think cocaine is a social drug.
3) You don’t take ANY illegal drugs EVER (Pot is legal in Canada in small amounts, though I have no issue with someone smoking the odd joint, I would prefer you didn’t).
4) You only take prescription drugs, prescribed to you, for legitimate illness.
5) You are not a practicing alcoholic (recovering – IN REOCVERY- is fine, just don’t bitch me out if I have a glass of wine).
6) You don’t have a savior complex (i.e. have inmate pen-pals you have never met but feel compelled to nurture).
7) You are not in love with someone who is IN LOVE with someone else – so you’ll take what you can get.
8 You are 100% SINGLE: you are NOT living with your ex for the sake of the children, or until you can sell the house.
9) You are 100% monogamous – NO SWINGERS, NO OPEN RELATIONSHIPS.
10) You are NOT an atheist.
11) You are a SPIRITUAL person who believes in a higher source of creation.
12) You are not a member of a ‘religion‘ ‘made up’ by a failed Science Fiction writer with the initials: L Ron Hubbard.
13) You don’t believe that the only way back to our higher source is by being a member of YOUR monotheistic fundamentalist religion.
14) You are welcome to go to church but don’t expect me to join you. I have serious issues with hypocrisy.
15) You are aware of world politics and care about what is happing to humans around the globe. You give to charity.
16) You don’t judge an entire culture by the actions of its extremist leaders.
17) If you believe, “Those foreigners are coming over here and taking our jobs.” You are NOT for me. One race – one planet: we all have the right to earn a living.
18) If you believe the Holocaust was a hoax: Don’t even bother to say hello to me.
19) If you use racial slurs, or derogatory terms, to refer to other cultures – we aren’t a match.
20) If you believe ALL people on welfare are lazy, we won’t get along. Many people are born into circumstance beyond their control – we should be grateful for what we have and NOT judgmental of what others don’t have.
21) You don’t assume poor people are stupid.
22) You don’t assume all women from the “ghetto” are whores.
23) If you think you are better than others – you are probably too good for me as well.
24) You respect the planet and recycle.
25) You LOVE animals and would NEVER hit an animal.
26) You are NOT allergic to cats.
27) You are not a Vegetarian (yes- this seems contradictory to the last two rules. But all rulebooks are rife with contradiction: See – King James Bible or The Qur’an).
28) You love and are moved by music/art.
29) You believe the Arts are important to the development of children and society.
30) You believe its ok to cry.
31) You tell the TRUTH and believe in honest open communication.
32) You don’t have breast implants (though implants under the muscle look and feel much better than those above, I prefer the real thing).
33) You are loyal to friends.
34) You believe in taking the high road in ALL situations.
35) You do not judge others (however if someone is acting like a fucktard it is fine to point the behavior out, as long as you don’t assume that person is a Total Fucktard based on one incident).
36) You don’t get off on/watch porn (I have friends in the porn/sex-trade industry – I love them dearly and have no judgment of them for what they do – however, I don’t want to watch their work).
37) You are not a self-loathing homosexual.
38) If you have issues that require therapy: you are IN THEARAPY.
39) You have a job and don’t expect me to take care of you financially.
40) You see money as a convenience and not the path to happiness.
41) You are not mentally ill (two wrongs don’t make a right, I have the mental illness quotient covered).
42) You do not judge people for being mentally ill (I don’t judge them – I simply don’t want to date myself).
43) You think people who are cruel to children, the elderly, and animals deserve LONG TERM INPRISONMENT.
44) Children are negotiable, just don’t expect me to birth them – there’s a pause in my meno.
45) You are nonviolent (it is ok to have the urge to back-hand someone, you just can’t act on it. However, if someone assaults you – self defense is appropriate).
46) You are respectful of your friends & would-be partner.
47) You are positive – the glass is half full.
48) You have a sense of humor – laughter heals.
49) You are always trying to be a better version of yourself.
50) You believe in LOVE.

There’s more- but that’s a start. I’m sure my single-hood is a little clearer to some of you.

All the best in 2010!

Pamela

Writing has felt like a chore the past few weeks. It’s not a case of writers block, that’s never been an issue for me. My spirit just hasn’t been into it.

I’ve sat down with nothing but disappointment in my heart, without a want or willingness to write it down. As the days slipped past I hoped that the way I felt would slide on as well. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case.

It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been referred to as both “insensitive” by one, and “over sensitive” by another. I will admit that the latter has merit, at times, but not this time.

As far as “insensitive” goes ~ you got the wrong gal. Just because I chose not to get mixed up in the self-created drama or offer financial assistance to a complete stranger, this doesn’t make me insensitive. It makes me wise enough to spot a “Taker” and walk away. Fact is: I’m out of the savior business ~ perhaps, sweetheart, you didn’t get the memo.

This time of year is hard on the body and even harder on the mind. Nature is dying ~ entering a lengthy slumber. I find inspiration scarce. It seems a lot of people are going through change, feeling bad, and projecting crap outward. I’ve been feeling a general lack of energy everywhere.

Daily, I look at the large bookcases straddling the fireplace in my orange room. From floor to ceiling there are words jammed in everywhere. I think about packing up all those words and disappearing.

I’m not depressed, not even close. I am feeling let down by some of the people I love. Nobody’s perfect, certainly, I’m not, but I believe there should be a level of respect between people who claim to “love” each other.

In the stretch of a week I was blindsided by one friend who decided she didn’t require my friendship any further. This after many years of my running to her aid, defending her honor and loving her like a sister. Although, she gets kudos for the series of well crafted, grammatically perfect, e-mails explaining her lack of need for my presence in her world heretofore.

Following that I watched one friend treat another friend very badly without seeing the slightest thing wrong with his behavior. All the while another friend sided with the friend in the wrong ~ regardless of the fact that a similar thing had been done to him a few weeks earlier, and he was devastated. I’ve also come to know that someone I trusted has been lying to me on a regular basis.

I’ve been sitting with this exceptional amount of bullshit that, really, doesn’t belong to me. It’s one thing to be hurt by those you love, and quite another to take on their toxins.

I have no ill will toward anyone, not one soul. I want good things for others. I am not insensitive or oversensitive. What I am is disheartened by it all.

What does anyone really know about love?

How can the young write songs of love and loss that seem to come from souls that have loved for a million years? Maybe we’re born knowing when love is present and when it’s not.

I remember, vividly, playing Charley Pride 8-Tracks on my Grandmother’s floor model stereo. I sat in her rocking chair, with the brown/yellow plaid seat covers, rocking and singing along. I knew every word at five-years-old. I was too young to know what romantic love was, but I knew it was powerful. Songs told stories; short stories without pages to turn.

There were families with moms and dads and what appeared to be happiness. I believed “Kiss an Angel” was their story.

“You’ve got to kiss an angel good morning
And let her know you think about her when you’re gone
Kiss an angel good morning
And love her like the devil when you get back home”

My father was not present in our lives. We had a mother who worked very hard to take care of us. “Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger” and “I’m so lonesome I could cry,” were about us. These songs understood the things that were missing from a life. I liked them the most.

I don’t remember a time in my life when music wasn’t present. There was always a record player and songs about love – even in the worst of times. Though, often, I didn’t understand the words, I understood longing. I felt the words deeply.

“I am in you and you in me, mutual in divine love.”
William Blake

Blake made love sound simple, and perhaps is just that: simple. I’ve yet to have romantic love that endures, still, I’m no stranger to love divine. At times it lasted for what seemed like a moment. At times love lingered for years at a time, it felt eternal – until it drifted softy into the ether, while ripping violently from the soul.

© Linda Woods. Click image to purchase.
Anything that injures or diminishes the soul is not love, regardless of how it presents itself. Knowing what isn’t love is every bit as important as knowing what it is. Love is never unkind.

This feeling that has the capacity to lift us higher than we can describe, is the thing that can bring us to our knees – leaving us there for months on end. But where would we be without it?

I don’t believe in “The One” I believe there are many fits for each of us. When/if we arrive at a person we will never leave, that person is “The Final” – not “The One.” Every person we’ve ever kissed has led to somewhere else. The ones we regret show us what we don’t want. The ones we lay with, for what we though might be forever, taught us what was wonderful – until the wonder was gone. We never forget what the wonder of love feels like. It moves to a place in the soul where it’s no longer about the people we experienced it with. It becomes a place we want to return to with “The Final.”

There is no drug like love. There is no state sweeter than “in love.” Sometimes I miss that feeling. I don’t long for it – but I miss it. I hope it comes back around one final time. In the mean time, I’m high on the wonder of life. Mine is a blessed existence, filled with non-romantic love.

What I know for sure: souls thrive when we’re connected. The love of family, chosen family, and animals sustains and brings me joy. I couldn’t exist without love.

Feb 14th,
St. Valentines Day. This is THE day of love! Unless you subscribe to my line of thinking: everyday is a day of love.

Today I spent time with many of the men in my life and of course, my animals. It’s nice to spend free time with the souls we love. I suggest we all do it more often!

Happy Love to all!
xx