The “online existence” is strange. I put words out there and people relate to them. Some people make contact to say, “I get it.” And some people send messages that pretty well say, “Who gives a fuck what you think?” Regardless, I have to write things down – to try to make sense of it all. I am a firm believer that “the pen is mightier than the sword.”
I’ve had a loyal group of readers for more than a year and thoroughly enjoy public/private comments. I realize that I’ve spent the bulk of the summer months talking to and about musicians. I love music. It has been a source of entertainment and inspiration from the time I was in diapers (sometime in the 1800’s). Over the years I’ve had the pleasure of being in the presence of the best of the best and some incredible unknown talents; I love to share them with y’all.
I’ve recently received lots of messages asking where my health situation is today. I have responded, “I’m ok,” to many of you, or “hanging in there,” to others. I assure all of you that my answers have not been disingenuous; I am hanging in there. I am a glass half full sort. When life is more of a struggle I try to find what is good.
Recently I have not felt strong/well. Yet, I haven’t felt motivated to share this. I’ve always been an “old soul” and it seems that my body is rapidly catching up. We move through our days until life stops us in our tracks. I feel stopped. Inert. Frustrated beyond explanation. Sometimes I just want to scream until someone or something hears me. Answers me. I’m often asked, “How are you?” I’m a lot of things: happy, exhausted, joyful, worried, grateful, angry, lucky, and uncertain. It’s difficult to reconcile these things when several are occurring simultaneously.
Living with chronic pain is not the worst thing in the world. Still, it’s not an easy thing. I’m a peaceful soul. I don’t like or seek out drama. I don’t like anger or hatred. These days I find my self getting angry with my body for not functioning, as it “Should.” Translation = the way I think it should.
There really are no “should(s)” in life. There’s what is, and what will be. I’m not too pleased with the “what is” right now. The uncertainty of “what will be” is, at present, worrisome.
Being 40ty years old and some days able to walk, and some days not, is disheartening. As I lay in pain I think of those who can’t walk at all, those with no legs. People whose existences are harder than I could ever dream and I feel ashamed for feeling sorry for myself. I’ve said before that my limit of feeling sorry for myself is 20 minutes at a time. I mean it. Anything beyond that breeds destruction. Pain sucks – move on – blessings surround me. I have friends and family that love and support beyond explanation. I’ve won the people lottery! When I need to cry there is always a shoulder. What more can a soul ask for? Fair weather friends are a plenty – real friends are scarce, yet, I have more than my share. On the worst of days I continue to believe I will be ok.
I thank all of you for your words of support and kindness. May God/the Universe bless each and every one of you and bring you an abundance of sincerity. In the end ~ little else matters. Thank you all for the time you give to The Thought Vox/ me. It will never be taken for granted.
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