~ As I Am ~

September 30, 2009 • Health & Well Being • Views: 1503

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When I became incapacitated the online world became an outlet – a place where I wasn’t talking to myself for days on end. Time spent NOT thinking about what was killing my energy/motor functions. It’s hard to walk the earth and always find comfort. It’s hard at the best of time to feel secure.

The “online existence” is strange. I put words out there and people relate to them. Some people make contact to say, “I get it.” And some people send messages that pretty well say, “Who gives a fuck what you think?” Regardless, I have to write things down – to try to make sense of it all. I am a firm believer that “the pen is mightier than the sword.”

I’ve had a loyal group of readers for more than a year and thoroughly enjoy public/private comments. I realize that I’ve spent the bulk of the summer months talking to and about musicians. I love music. It has been a source of entertainment and inspiration from the time I was in diapers (sometime in the 1800’s). Over the years I’ve had the pleasure of being in the presence of the best of the best and some incredible unknown talents; I love to share them with y’all.

I’ve recently received lots of messages asking where my health situation is today. I have responded, “I’m ok,” to many of you, or “hanging in there,” to others. I assure all of you that my answers have not been disingenuous; I am hanging in there. I am a glass half full sort. When life is more of a struggle I try to find what is good.

Recently I have not felt strong/well. Yet, I haven’t felt motivated to share this. I’ve always been an “old soul” and it seems that my body is rapidly catching up. We move through our days until life stops us in our tracks. I feel stopped. Inert. Frustrated beyond explanation. Sometimes I just want to scream until someone or something hears me. Answers me. I’m often asked, “How are you?” I’m a lot of things: happy, exhausted, joyful, worried, grateful, angry, lucky, and uncertain. It’s difficult to reconcile these things when several are occurring simultaneously.

PhotobucketLiving with chronic pain is not the worst thing in the world. Still, it’s not an easy thing. I’m a peaceful soul. I don’t like or seek out drama. I don’t like anger or hatred. These days I find my self getting angry with my body for not functioning, as it “Should.” Translation = the way I think it should.

There really are no “should(s)” in life. There’s what is, and what will be. I’m not too pleased with the “what is” right now. The uncertainty of “what will be” is, at present, worrisome.

Being 40ty years old and some days able to walk, and some days not, is disheartening. As I lay in pain I think of those who can’t walk at all, those with no legs. People whose existences are harder than I could ever dream and I feel ashamed for feeling sorry for myself. I’ve said before that my limit of feeling sorry for myself is 20 minutes at a time. I mean it. Anything beyond that breeds destruction. Pain sucks – move on – blessings surround me. I have friends and family that love and support beyond explanation. I’ve won the people lottery! When I need to cry there is always a shoulder. What more can a soul ask for? Fair weather friends are a plenty – real friends are scarce, yet, I have more than my share. On the worst of days I continue to believe I will be ok.

I thank all of you for your words of support and kindness. May God/the Universe bless each and every one of you and bring you an abundance of sincerity. In the end ~ little else matters. Thank you all for the time you give to The Thought Vox/ me. It will never be taken for granted.

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15 Responses to ~ As I Am ~

  1. Emily says:

    I kind of just want to sit beside you and give you the biggest hug ever, or maybe just pop in a good ol CD and sing at the top of our lungs. :-p

    You’re so inspiring, and I don’t personally know what living with that kind of chronic pain is, but I know what it’s like to live with other types, and it’s hard, but the way you look at it, is a strength beyond my own.

    Thanks for sharing your words, I’m sure it helps so many, I know they help me. 🙂

  2. Jen says:

    Hi Pam,
    I know I don’t know you well and have come to know you here in the ether that is online. I just wanted you to know I had no idea how kindred a life yours may be to mine. And when I say kindred it is in the sense that I live with chronic pain everyday. I was thrown from a horse at about age 17. Broken and 4 back surgeries later I have lived with the pain. As I have more birthdays my gift last year was a total knee replacement. That was the hardest thing I have ever been through including the 4 surgeries on my spine. Ahh how the mind forgets the pain ( sometimes) Today I am looking at my next hurdle. My other knee is shot. Oct 29 brings me to the knife again. I am thankful that I have your blog to read. I am thankful that I have met you in this ether. I feel a little less alone tonight. Most times as you say I care not to share either but this next surgery has me really scared. I am not afraid of many things just knowing how horribly painful the last one was… means … I know the strugle that I will endure in the coming months.
    Music is my solace in life. My website is my solace too.
    So i take a deep breath and I go to the pool even though my days are more and more pain filled lately. Just to get my strength up so that when my surgical day comes.. I might be stronger and heal quicker.
    I am not looking forward to not being able to walk. I am not looking forward to the burdon it puts on my partner. I am thankful for her and for everyone I have as friends in one way or another. I am thankful for you.
    I wish you all good days and pain free days.
    Best to you Pam!
    Jen

  3. Natalie says:

    Hey Pam,

    I only met you that one time at Jeffrey’s, but it was a very special night, and I never would have known that you suffer from chronic pain, so clearly, you are doing a more-than-sufficient job at ‘keeping up.’ But I know that there is a lot going on inside that doesn’t always show outside. My mom suffered from chronic pain for years, and it can be really soul destroying, so it’s great that you are finding an outlet – something to create in order to keep the pain from being the main things that creates you. Namaste.

  4. Heidi Groff says:

    pam,

    your attitude is inspirational. faced with the same circumstances, i would probably feel sorry for myself a lot longer than 20 minutes at a time. i’m really sorry you have to face pain every day of your life. i know there are people that have it worse-off than you, but what you are going through is really tough. i’m glad you have people in your life that you don’t always have to be “strong” in front of and that you can ask for help when you need it. i will remember to pray for your health and strength and healing.

  5. Jules Torti says:

    Like Heidi, I’d give myself a little longer than 20 minutes. It’s good to cry until you yawn, then the cycle is complete. Like one of the vibrant characters said in The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, sometimes it feels better to whine than be grateful. You’re entitled.

    I think you need to put more of that chronic pain of canvas, your talent is enviable!

  6. palestar says:

    Thank you for sharing – many times you have been a light shining for me – just wanted you to know I appreciate it. Have a peaceful day. love and light…Palestar 😉

  7. Diane Winchester says:

    Holy Crap Pam…I don’t know what to say, I’m a little lost for words & Lloyd would tell you that’s not me! I don’t know you well (yet) but I love what you write, and how you put words together, and the picture they paint in my head, and the amazing photos you take and so generously share, but I had no idea what was going on inside the person I shared a hug with only a week ago!

    This life journey is so precious because it takes to places & people that teach us to open our hearts and our minds to the differences around us that make this world an amazing place.

    I look forward to seeing you again someday (I hope I do)…I’m only ever a tweet or DM away! I know you are blessed with an amazing group of friends but just know that I care and wish you well! Gentle hugs…Diane XO

  8. Kelly G! says:

    You are a BEAUTIFUL person! I’m sorry that I didn’t even know that you had such pain in your body right now 🙁 but your outlook is inspiring! If you ever need a LIFT Pam… please don’t ever hesitate to give me a shout! You’re GOOD people & that is why you’ve won the people lottery 🙂

    God BLESS you my friend!

  9. Kathleen says:

    You are a lovely soul, one whom I will meet one day, Coke Slurpee in hand simply for you, for no other reason that to see that smile of yours in person. Your spirit is amazing, and regardless of the age of your soul you are here in this life for a reason. You are strong and, in spite of the pain you feel, carry on through your days spreading good cheer to the best of your ability. You are one of a kind, brilliant in many areas of creativity. I wish you pain free days ahead! xxoo

  10. Patti Mahaney says:

    You just “wowed” me with your blog. Although I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you in person- I think you’re awesome and I love your honesty. You are in my thoughts and prayers on your good and bad days girl! All the best to you.

    Love,
    Patti xoxo

  11. I love how you think & inspire me to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other and move on. I wish I could write out life’s challenges as eloquently as you do. Sending love to you and furry babies.

  12. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read this post and leave your words of support and encouragement. My situation is not unique, yet it is challenging. I know there are many who relate. I’m glad if my outlook makes things a little easier for others. There is strength in numbers.

    Best,

    Pam 🙂

  13. Bernard Ens aka bernen says:

    There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you and wonder how you are doing. Whenever you are not on Twitter, I wonder if you are okay. You are an inspiration to me and many other people. I know that if it was me who was going through what you are, I would have given up a long time ago. Your attitude and outlook on live gives me the strenght and will to keep going. Thank you for sharing your and inspiring me. I which you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  14. Jacqueline MacDonald says:

    I have personally lived with and witnessed (my Dad) how living with chronic pain can affect an individual and the people in their lives.Sounds like you are striving to keep an incredible outlook on life; Although the friends and family in your life are helpless to ease your pain they are there in other ways which may and hopefully meet your needs. After four years of Doctors pills, hormone injections, hot flashes, mood swings,disappointment, and finacial strain, which I tried my best to suck up as I didn’t want to be that girl; we finally had sucess and we were pregnant! An amazing pregnancy and finally the big day came and ended in c-section much to my dismay; but our beautiful son was born . The smile in my husband’s eyes behind that surgical mask is one of the things that keep me going in the long months ahead. Two days after coming home with this little miracle my c-section opened internally , back to surgery, a week in the hospital and home again feeling of failure as more than two weeks my son was underweight and contstantly starving, breastfeeding was not the only method to feed Brohn . The isolation I felt was unreal I had my husband who stepped up to the plate above and beyond but he had to work also; I couldn’t look after myself and fought to care for this child, I Had a nurse who saw me everyday and a wound specialist who I saw once a week, and thank God for them. Unlike yourself who suffers pain hour by hour day by day , I dealt with dressing that tore skin ,allegic reactions to tape which caused blisters the size of your palm, packing of the two 6 centimeter vertical holes and all the discusting drainage they say don’t pick up anything don’t bend or reach, lie down as much as possible….Ha and look after a newborn…Righto! My weekly visit from the wound specialist was my salvation as she was gentle and gave me hope. Four months later I was hooked up to machine that I had to work 24 hrs a day that drained and gave a negative charge to speed up the healing. Briefly I was healed by April; seven months and one week.The light at the end of the tunnel often seemed dim but I Recovered which unfortunately not everyone has the good fortune to say. I’ll always have two holes that look like empty eye sockets and will never wear a bikini again lol as if, but going through some sort of truama and having someone to talk to or vent to some sort of outlet makes you feel less alone. I can assume that you see many specialists but my experience with chinese medicine particularly acupuncture has been great for pain control..Hang in there and keep doing what you do it is great therapy for you and everyone who may read your work, you are a very strong women…..

  15. You are amazing and inspiring and I love what you do. I follow your thinking so truly, but it’s not as challenging for me, I don’t have to suffer with chronic pain. Not yet anyway. Still when something goes wrong, I always imagine ‘there is someone eles with far greater challenges and they are not complaining’.

    It only makes me want to only reflect good, to only consider the positive.

    I get you.

    You are a beautiful reflector. I have thought so from the moment I first wandered in here. Thank you for sharing yourself.
    xoxox

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