~ Friendship & Disillusionment ~

October 23, 2009 • Dating & Relationships, Pondering Life • Views: 1269

Writing has felt like a chore the past few weeks. It’s not a case of writers block, that’s never been an issue for me. My spirit just hasn’t been into it.


I’ve sat down with nothing but disappointment in my heart, without a want or willingness to write it down. As the days slipped past I hoped that the way I felt would slide on as well. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case.

It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been referred to as both “insensitive” by one, and “over sensitive” by another. I will admit that the latter has merit, at times, but not this time.

As far as “insensitive” goes ~ you got the wrong gal. Just because I chose not to get mixed up in the self-created drama or offer financial assistance to a complete stranger, this doesn’t make me insensitive. It makes me wise enough to spot a “Taker” and walk away. Fact is: I’m out of the savior business ~ perhaps, sweetheart, you didn’t get the memo.

This time of year is hard on the body and even harder on the mind. Nature is dying ~ entering a lengthy slumber. I find inspiration scarce. It seems a lot of people are going through change, feeling bad, and projecting crap outward. I’ve been feeling a general lack of energy everywhere.

Daily, I look at the large bookcases straddling the fireplace in my orange room. From floor to ceiling there are words jammed in everywhere. I think about packing up all those words and disappearing.

I’m not depressed, not even close. I am feeling let down by some of the people I love. Nobody’s perfect, certainly, I’m not, but I believe there should be a level of respect between people who claim to “love” each other.

In the stretch of a week I was blindsided by one friend who decided she didn’t require my friendship any further. This after many years of my running to her aid, defending her honor and loving her like a sister. Although, she gets kudos for the series of well crafted, grammatically perfect, e-mails explaining her lack of need for my presence in her world heretofore.

Following that I watched one friend treat another friend very badly without seeing the slightest thing wrong with his behavior. All the while another friend sided with the friend in the wrong ~ regardless of the fact that a similar thing had been done to him a few weeks earlier, and he was devastated. I’ve also come to know that someone I trusted has been lying to me on a regular basis.

I’ve been sitting with this exceptional amount of bullshit that, really, doesn’t belong to me. It’s one thing to be hurt by those you love, and quite another to take on their toxins.

I have no ill will toward anyone, not one soul. I want good things for others. I am not insensitive or oversensitive. What I am is disheartened by it all.

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10 Responses to ~ Friendship & Disillusionment ~

  1. We only have the power to recognize as things change around us. Everything will always change. What causes the changes isn’t the important thing. Change is the way of life.

    Why take on the pile of everyone else’s BS? It’s theirs. Let it stay at their feet. There is no reason for you to pick it up and carry it with you. Leave the BS but take the lesson. That’s the gift, doll.


  2. […] the original: ~ Friendship & Disillusionment ~ By admin | category: outward | tags: arabic-speaking, barry-rubin, been-brought, case, […]

  3. Kathleen says:

    You are a wonderful soul Pam, a woman with an amazing spirit and outlook on life! As much as all those hits hurt, you still have that zest, that focus and that gift. At the end of the day, you know what matters most, YOU! Take care of you always, every now and again we need a cleanse. xxoo

  4. Alex says:

    For what it’s worth Pam, I understand your troubles. Perhaps not literally, but the emotions you express are at times all to real. Things will get better, time heals all wounds, and you are a wonderful person.

  5. Lisa says:

    Pam, it really sucks when you feel let down & disappointed by people you call friends. I don’t really know you well enough to say I “know” you, but the one time we did meet,& getting to know you via twitter, I have to say you strike me as a person who is kind, loyal & loving to her friends & family. You are an exceptionally good writer & an even better photographer, imho. I guess what I could just offer you is this, & hope it’s not trite, as it’s not meant that way: Don’t let the bastards get you down, because I think you’re better than that. 🙂

  6. Hey Pam … I totally feel you because I’ve been through this myself. Went through a period of several years recently where this sort of thing happened one after the other, and I found it disheartening, as well. What amazes me the most, is that when someone decides they aren’t interested in your friendship, they can so effectively rationalize their decision, making us the back guy, justifying their position so tidily. It was at first a surprise to me, then it made me turn inward. What am I doing to perpetuate this situation? Nothing? Well then … I had no control over what they thought, and ultimately let it go, which was the best thing for me … and one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Letting go was never my thing.

    Hang in there. I hpe you’re feeling better.


  7. Cecile (Twitter: @BetsBooth) says:

    Disheartened as you are, I love that you didn’t let them break your spirit!

  8. V-Grrrl says:

    “wise enough to spot a Taker and walk away.” That is very wise, indeed.

    I’m sorry you’re in such a spirit flattening place.

  9. Noelle says:

    All I can say is ((((big hugs)))) & just for the record, I think you’re an amazing person. I hope you found it therapeutic in sharing your thoughts & feelings, you are so honest and I admire that quality. Unfortunately, life is forever changing, gaining, losing friendships & family members, and sometimes we don’t even know why, but at least we tried, and in the end we have to let these ordeals change us for the better. It’s better to try and fail than not try at all. It hurts. I have to listen to those words, believe me, there are many things that I’m scared to try again & sometimes, I just have to sit back and wonder why, how and what?

    Take care, good things will come your way.

  10. Dawn says:

    Oh Pam…I hope you are felling better after this. Nature is not Dying, it is sleeping until rebirth…Take heart and be strong. I am sending positive energy your way. It can sometimes difficult to separate ourselves from the “Takers & Liars” but recognizing them for what they are is the first step. You are one of the most amazing people that I know and you deserve to be surrounded by wonderful loving people that support you and inspire you. I am certain that this low point will pass. *Hugs*

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