The Thought Vox

The small hours of the morning are dark and still. It’s a good time for thinking, when sleep is illusive. Sometimes I think that I think too much. I may be right – I may be wrong.

I’m thankful for the abundance that surrounds me. I’m appreciative of everyday things, still, at times, I feel disconnected from it all. Life is not an easy road if one is a soul who feels/cares deeply. That being said, I can’t imagine not feeling – not caring.

As I age, things once viewed as black or white have faded to shades of gray. Choices I once saw as right and wrong have morphed into: healthy and unhealthy. Sometimes I think I have the answer, and then I realize there are only more questions. This is the uncertainty of life.

I love Canada. I believe it’s one of the most fair and beautiful places on earth. I can’t imagine living anywhere other than in this country. Yet, the changing seasons wreak havoc on my body and mind; the dampness of fall and winter cripples flesh and bone. Unending slate gray skies of winter invite tunnels of darkness for the mind to ferret through. To what end? I sometimes wonder. This game of life: which is harder than need be – what does it all mean?

These words come from a place of sadness and hope: Another of life’s constant contradictions. For several months I’ve contemplated leaving Toronto: the city that I love. However, a soul can’t just pack up her words and move on without a defined purpose. What am I moving away from? What am I moving toward? These are questions that need answers. Otherwise I’m just running from ghosts that can’t be named. These are the ghosts that follow wherever we go, and greet us wherever we arrive.

Disconnected from my surroundings. That’s where I am – or perhaps, where I’m not. An abundance of upheaval over the past few months (though, for the most part sorted) has left me tired. Yet this is not the source of my discontent. I have no solid reasons. Creatively, life is wonderful; family and dear friends love me, I’m not in a depression. There is so much to be happy about, and other things to be sad about.

Days after I found out a dear soul is cancer free, I received word that another who is dear to me, is out of remission and awaiting a second stem cell transplant for a rare, incurable, form of cancer. I spent a lot of time at his side several years ago as he went through this same treatment. He wasn’t supposed to live then – but he is still here. I believe and have great hope that he will beat it again. I hate that he has many more months of suffering ahead; that his family has to endure once again. I will never understand cancer. If ever I have the opportunity to face God, Buddha, Rah, The universal creator – by what ever name you call ‘him’ – this will be my question: What the fuck is up with cancer? (Well, the first of many questions.)

It has been said that we have to experience death so that we may appreciate life; that there has to be a balance of darkness and light. I’m not disputing that the world needs balance – Yet, from where I’m sitting, there has been great imbalance for far too long.
Yes, much of it has been brought about by mans insatiable appetite for control, but we could use a little divine intervention.

I use to be a news junkie. Now I can’t deal with more than thirty minutes at a time. People are angry and so filled with hurt that they’re lashing out everywhere. It’s up to us to restore the balance. Each of us has the opportunity, daily, to interact with the world in a positive manner. Many of us do not. Life is short – and – Life is LONG. Please make a conscious effort to take the high road, to respond to bad behavior with good will, or simply walk away.

I believe we are all receptacles. We absorb the energy surrounding us – right now there is far too much bad energy engulfing the planet. Thoughts are energy. Please hold hope and positive thoughts for others and for the state of mankind. If we take a moment and subscribe to the Christian meaning of Christmas: good will toward man, and forget about presents and acquiring more crap that will be forgotten in a week, we just may move toward positive change.

These are the things I think about in the wee hours of the morning, when sleep eludes me. Perhaps I just want to live in a better version of the city I love. Perhaps the ugliness has been the source of my disconnection, all along.

I wish all of you well.