Some people are easily offended. Others seem to look for reasons to be offended.
Generally the first written piece of each year is dedicated to what was, what I’m grateful for, and what I look forward too. This year I’m going to start off a little differently. I’m going to be completely honest about a topic, regardless of who may be offended.
Let me clarify: Every word I’ve ever posted has been honest. Nothing I’ve written is a lie. Yet, sometimes I hold back. I was having drinks and conversation with two writer friends in early fall. We got to discussing “holding back in writing,” one friend said she never censors her writing. I was surprised. The other said she also doesn’t censor herself. So why do I? Well there are topics that ignite people. As it stands I have gotten some pretty disturbing e-mails. I’ve made conscious decisions not to write about some things: choose your battles, sort of thing.
NEW YEAR – 2010: It’s resolution time. I suppose I could resolve to exercise regularly, give up caffeine, or stop swearing. Lets face it: those who know me KNOW I will never give up the “F” word. SO: I resolve to stop censoring my writing.
First TABOO topic up for discussion is: Why is Pamela Chronically Single?
Part of the reason I haven’t shared much of my “romantic” life with the masses is because it is really nobody’s business. I’m with Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau: “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.” Aside from that, the expectations I have in a partner are highly offencive to many demographics. Dating really is a HOT TOPIC, and I don’t mean sexually explicit.
I’m going to give it to you 100% honestly: I will not settle in order to avoid being alone. I’ve decided to post a list of requirements for my would-be future mate (a list, in itself, could be construed as offensive). Frankly, I think everybody should have a list and stick to it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a romantic at heart – but that has cost me heartache and lots of cash over the years. Though I am, first, attracted by my heart, my head is quick to cut in and size up the situation.
Before I get to the RULES, I have to be clear that this is NOT an indictment of anyone’s habits or beliefs. I’m merely stating that these habits and beliefs will not gel with mine, in terms of a romantic entanglement. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends (well some of them mean we cant be friends). It does mean that: WE WILL NEVER HOLD HANDS.
I agree that there are exceptions to every rule, however – these are the NO EXCEPTIONS.
Pamela Detlor’s Rules For Potential Mates (in no particular order, all being equally important).
1) You do NOT smoke (which includes the phrase, “I only smoke when I drink).
2) You don’t think cocaine is a social drug.
3) You don’t take ANY illegal drugs EVER (Pot is legal in Canada in small amounts, though I have no issue with someone smoking the odd joint, I would prefer you didn’t).
4) You only take prescription drugs, prescribed to you, for legitimate illness.
5) You are not a practicing alcoholic (recovering – IN REOCVERY– is fine, just don’t bitch me out if I have a glass of wine).
6) You don’t have a savior complex (i.e. have inmate pen-pals you have never met but feel compelled to nurture).
7) You are not in love with someone who is IN LOVE with someone else – so you’ll take what you can get.
8 You are 100% SINGLE: you are NOT living with your ex for the sake of the children, or until you can sell the house.
9) You are 100% monogamous – NO SWINGERS, NO OPEN RELATIONSHIPS.
10) You are NOT an atheist.
11) You are a SPIRITUAL person who believes in a higher source of creation.
12) You are not a member of a ‘religion‘ ‘made up’ by a failed Science Fiction writer with the initials: L Ron Hubbard.
13) You don’t believe that the only way back to our higher source is by being a member of YOUR monotheistic fundamentalist religion.
14) You are welcome to go to church but don’t expect me to join you. I have serious issues with hypocrisy.
15) You are aware of world politics and care about what is happing to humans around the globe. You give to charity.
16) You don’t judge an entire culture by the actions of its extremist leaders.
17) If you believe, “Those foreigners are coming over here and taking our jobs.” You are NOT for me. One race – one planet: we all have the right to earn a living.
18) If you believe the Holocaust was a hoax: Don’t even bother to say hello to me.
19) If you use racial slurs, or derogatory terms, to refer to other cultures – we aren’t a match.
20) If you believe ALL people on welfare are lazy, we won’t get along. Many people are born into circumstance beyond their control – we should be grateful for what we have and NOT judgmental of what others don’t have.
21) You don’t assume poor people are stupid.
22) You don’t assume all women from the “ghetto” are whores.
23) If you think you are better than others – you are probably too good for me as well.
24) You respect the planet and recycle.
25) You LOVE animals and would NEVER hit an animal.
26) You are NOT allergic to cats.
27) You are not a Vegetarian (yes- this seems contradictory to the last two rules. But all rulebooks are rife with contradiction: See – King James Bible or The Qur’an).
28) You love and are moved by music/art.
29) You believe the Arts are important to the development of children and society.
30) You believe its ok to cry.
31) You tell the TRUTH and believe in honest open communication.
32) You don’t have breast implants (though implants under the muscle look and feel much better than those above, I prefer the real thing).
33) You are loyal to friends.
34) You believe in taking the high road in ALL situations.
35) You do not judge others (however if someone is acting like a fucktard it is fine to point the behavior out, as long as you don’t assume that person is a Total Fucktard based on one incident).
36) You don’t get off on/watch porn (I have friends in the porn/sex-trade industry – I love them dearly and have no judgment of them for what they do – however, I don’t want to watch their work).
37) You are not a self-loathing homosexual.
38) If you have issues that require therapy: you are IN THEARAPY.
39) You have a job and don’t expect me to take care of you financially.
40) You see money as a convenience and not the path to happiness.
41) You are not mentally ill (two wrongs don’t make a right, I have the mental illness quotient covered).
42) You do not judge people for being mentally ill (I don’t judge them – I simply don’t want to date myself).
43) You think people who are cruel to children, the elderly, and animals deserve LONG TERM INPRISONMENT.
44) Children are negotiable, just don’t expect me to birth them – there’s a pause in my meno.
45) You are nonviolent (it is ok to have the urge to back-hand someone, you just can’t act on it. However, if someone assaults you – self defense is appropriate).
46) You are respectful of your friends & would-be partner.
47) You are positive – the glass is half full.
48) You have a sense of humor – laughter heals.
49) You are always trying to be a better version of yourself.
50) You believe in LOVE.
There’s more- but that’s a start. I’m sure my single-hood is a little clearer to some of you.
All the best in 2010!
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